Navigating Friendships in the Age of MAGA
“What I’m left with is a Hobson’s choice: maintain an important lifelong friendship – or abandon my friend because I believe he is repeating, and therefore spreading, evil.”
By Dan W. Golfine
I grew up in Duluth, Minnesota; went to college in Madison, Wisconsin; went to law school in Minneapolis, Minnesota; worked initially for a judge (who was Hubert Humphrey’s 1960 campaign manager), and then worked in Chicago for a decade – where I was surrounded by liberals and Democrats.
In 1998, I moved to Scottsdale, Arizona. I also joined a very conservative law firm. Since then, my colleagues, neighbors, friends and clients (including former President Trump) have mostly been conservatives and Republicans.
Until 2016, I broke bread, enjoyed cocktails, golfed, and shot the sh*t with my conservative and Republican colleagues, neighbors, friends, and clients. They were largely principled folks. Many were low-taxes or chamber of commerce Republicans. Others were small government conservatives, budget or deficit hawks, or Libertarians. Many were pro-military, standing behind US intervention in the war on terror and to support fledgling democracies thousands of miles away. Others were evangelicals. Not a single one of them has ever appeared to me to be overtly racist, antisemitic, or bigoted.
We often disagreed, sometimes vehemently, but our discussions focused on the merits of competing principles of what was best for the US. In that sense, both sides were reasonable and respectful of the other side. Even former President Trump, a former client, was reasonable and respectful (although he still has not fully paid his bill).
Over the last eight years, the MAGA-GOP has wrestled the Republican party away from principled conservatives by setting totalitarianism, racism, antisemitism, and bigotry as the informal prerequisites that define “party” loyalty. At the same time, many of those conservatives and Republicans in my life have decided that they cannot support Trump or the party he leads. I believe many of these people are enormously brave, particularly elected officials, who have risked their safety and that of their families – as well as their careers – to stand up and say “no more.” I applaud them.
But it is precisely their bravery that sheds so much light on those formerly principled conservatives and Republicans that continue to support Trump and the MAGA-GOP. The contrast is uncomfortably stark. To my eye, they look small, unprincipled, and dishonest.
What should I say to these folks who are still a part of my life? What should I say to the war hero whose support for Trump has led him to also support the publicly racist Proud Boys? Or to the Trump supporter still making the laughable claim that her support for Trump is consistent with her Libertarian views from 15 years ago? Or to the budget hawk neighbor, who saw Trump explode the national debt by a historic $7.8 trillion? Or the moral conservative and evangelical who continue to support a man who I view as the most immoral politician in US history?
I really don’t know what I should say to them, but I do know what I want to say to them: When they abandon their defensible principles, they are left with indefensible principles – such as totalitarianism, racism, antisemitism, and bigotry. That is what I want to tell them, respectfully and without anger.
I was going to end this piece here, but my editor suggested that I answer what was an erstwhile rhetorical question: What do I actually say to them?
A close friend of mine for more than 50 years going back to the 4th grade – is a virulent MAGA-GOPer. A true believer. We’ve discussed his purported principles, with me explaining that they are largely fear-based, empty slogans – predicated on misinformation and/or lies. Our discussions are respectful, and I try to express my arguments in an empathetic fashion.
My efforts failed to move this friend, as they so often have when making my case to MAGA supporters. But it feels different when it’s a person who has been important to you for so long. What I’m left with is a Hobson’s choice: maintain an important lifelong friendship – or abandon my friend because I believe he is repeating, and therefore spreading, evil.
Making this choice remains a work in progress, but I suppose that most of the relationships in our lives are like that: We accept people for who they are – or we decide to let them go once a certain line has been crossed.
I am mindful of that most important commandment in the Torah: “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19:18). And I’m doing my best. But the plain truth is that the open ugliness exhibited by so many MAGA people make it really hard. It’s been nearly nine years, yet that proverbial “line” seems to keep inching closer and closer.
DAN GOLDFINE is an attorney at the international law firm Dickinson Wright and a former Federal Prosecutor at the U.S. Department of Justice, Antitrust Division.
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