Raising Proud Jewish Feminists — Even in the Face of Outdated Customs
"Whilst we have no shortage of wonderful, powerful Jewish women — pioneers of equality and equity — it's hard to find support for them in the words of our faith’s written traditions."
By Allison Fishman Task
I always hoped that my children would be feminists. I remember buying “My First Book of Feminism (for Boys) for my twin sons and so hoped they’d support, well, me, their sister, and all people in their peoplehood.
Recently, my daughter has, erm, exceeded my expectations in the feminism category. She’s thinking thoughts that I have never been able to think, raised as I was, in the 70s and 80s culture (on Long Island).
For example:
This morning, we were listening to the Bee Gees’ “Staying Alive.” My 10-year-old daughter knows all the words and hearing her sing about being “a woman’s man,” I had to ask…
Me: What do you think a “woman’s man” is?
Daughter (no pause): A man that does things that, back in olden times, a woman was expected to do. He cooks and cleans and takes care of kids. He supports women.
Mmmmhmmmm. That’s a very uncluttered analysis of the Bee Gees’ phrase. I’m pretty sure she’s dead wrong, but she had me at the notion that “a woman’s man” is a man who supports women. I think she’s heard the phrase “girls’ girl,” and so she’s drawing parallels.
Similarly, we were recently listening to Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful.” I remember hearing that song as a teen, hoping that one day someone would admire me the way Joe painfully, achingly adores this woman in the song.
But, no surprise, my daughter heard it differently. In fact, she talked back to the singer in a way that never occurred to me. I think she heard his clingy desperation, or as the kids call it, ‘thirstiness,’ and it was a hard stop for her.
Joe: You are so beautiful…
Daughter: I know
Joe: To me…
Daughter: And to everyone else.
Joe: Can't you see
Daughter: Yup. I have a mirror
Joe: You're everything I hoped for.
Daughter: What? You don’t even know me.
Joe: You're everything I need.
Daughter: OK, you’re weird.
Joe: You are so beautiful to me
Daughter: Mom, turn this weird song off.
So many of the songs she listens to (again, she’s 10) are like “stop,” “hold up” and focus more on what the woman wants rather than being the object of desire.
It’s refreshing.
So, where does Judaism come in? (both you and my editor at this point might want to know). Well, it’s Purim, the magical holiday of Esther, who uses her beauty and power to seduce King Ahasuerus and save the Jews.
Big story of a woman using her wiles to help our people; our bawdiest holiday of the year. And yet. And yet…
I feel like I’m consistently hitting a brick wall when it comes to Judaism as a feminist (supporting of gender and human equity) religion, and I feel like it’s *really* falling down on the gender part. Now hear me when I say, Jewish women are a powerful lot, but that may be despite our religion.
I’ve heard tell that there are prayers men say in the morning where they thank God they’re not a woman. That feels icky.
I recently pursued the Jewish idea that women are more spiritual, and closer to God than men. Upon further examination, that notion really turned out to be a sort of free pass from shul so that the ladies could prepare a nice kiddush lunch, so to speak.
And then there’s the pesky process of the ‘get’ — that wonderful document a woman must procure to undo a Jewish marriage in the eyes of Judaism. This is called agunah, and from what I can tell, it must be the husband who initiates it and the wife who is presented the get. It’s not gender neutral, the process flows in one, and only one direction.
I know this personally because when I married, my fiance and I met with the Rabbi who asked if my fiance had procured a get from his first marriage. He had not. I remember the rabbi stood up, shook his head, and said: “C’mon man, do the right thing.” He proceeded to look up the number of a guy who knew a guy, and everything got resolved pretty quickly.
But yeah, the stress of the possibility of his ex-wife refusing to agree three weeks before my wedding was a headache I didn’t need.
Now that I find myself in need of a get of my own, I bounced into my (new) rabbi’s office and told her I looked forward to making this a real feminist experience — an opportunity for self-advocacy and healing. She cringed a little bit and said: “Do you know how the get process works?”
I was recently asked to speak at a ceremony where my daughter received her first Siddur (prayer book). I spoke of her strength and kindness. I spoke of great Jewish women who came before her — Golda Meir, Gilda Radner and Gal Gadot (someone messed up my alliteration by adding Claudia Sheinbaum to the list, but who am I to stand on semitic semantics).
So whilst we have no shortage of wonderful, powerful Jewish women, pioneers of equality and equity, it’s hard to find support for these wonderful people in the words of our faith’s written traditions. Not in prayer, not in Megillah, and not in processes.
As an American Jewish woman, single mother, business owner and homeowner, I am looking for safe places these days. I can read Project 2025 — and it feels personal.
While the community of my synagogue may feel like a safe place for me and my feminist brood, the words we pray feel less so.
Progress has been made in modern Judaism, and I hope it continues. And I’d like to stay with my conservative Jewish group, just push its edges a bit. A fellow congregant was recently making a case for rebranding ourselves ‘conservationists’ instead of conservatives. This would allow us to protect and preserve our approach, whilst evolving in a healthful way.
Evolving humanism, a very feminist thing to do.
ALLISON FISHMAN TASK is a life and career coach and the bestselling author of Personal (R)evolution.
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