Online Dating Needs a Time Machine
A woman who found her ‘King David’ the old-fashioned way is bringing civility and romance to the knotty world of social media dating.
By Tammy Salis
On September 27, 1987, I met my future husband and the father of my children — I just didn’t know it. I went to a Jewish singles event with no expectations. When my friends went outside to smoke for a minute, I stayed behind. This guy walked up to the bar and uttered the worst pick-up line I had ever heard. But we ended up talking for hours — forgetting anyone else was even in the room.
There was just one obstacle: It was long-distance. He lived in Westwood, and I live in Tempe, Arizona. One weekend, he was hosting a party, and I decided to surprise him. Very romantic of me… in theory. In practice, I only made it as far as Orange County, where my family lived. It was a long drive, okay? I went to dinner with my sister, and that’s where the universe decided to test me: The waiter took our order, we made eye contact, and this 6’4”, brown-haired, blue-eyed Adonis asked me out.
The next night, drinks and a movie. The movie was horrible; the company was worse. He was prettier than I was. He was also as dumb as a rock. I never talked to him again — and I couldn’t stop thinking about the geeky Jewish guy in Westwood. We started dating for real, and 36 years later, we’re still in love.
Now I see dating through the eyes of my adult children, and honestly, it’s a whole different planet. Courtships have turned into hook-ups. Sex doesn’t equal intimacy. Too many choices have turned into “can I do better?” It seems like a lot of noise, and no connection. What to do…
With my kids’ permission, I posted their profiles in a very large public Jewish Facebook group. And WOW — people did not exactly respond like ‘mensches.’
I posted my son’s profile, and some woman commented: “Do you still change his diaper?” My response — after biting my tongue through a sea of nonsense – was: “He is fully potty-trained. I even taught him to conduct himself with kindness and class. Would you like me to work with you?” Not my finest moment, but after watching people hide behind screens and act like the worst versions of themselves, I snapped. How could Jews treat other Jews with such disrespect? How could anyone? Why choose cruelty when silence is an option?
My daughter’s profile got a flood of fire emojis, which I found to be… uninspired at best. It all made me realize how desperately people want connection but how badly the current dating culture is failing them.
Before October 7, I always felt a bit unsure of my place in the Jewish community — like I was hovering on the edges, not fully anchored. But after that ineffable massacre, something shifted. I felt a deeper pull to my Jewish identity. A longing for connection, for community, for that unspoken understanding that comes from shared history. I wish it hadn’t taken something so horrific to wake that up in me, but it did, and it gave me clarity. It gave me purpose.
I realized I was meant to build my own community – a place where inclusivity isn’t a buzzword but a baseline. A space where ALL Jews feel welcome and, G-d willing, where some will even find love. My mitzvah is “Bagels & Bae” on Facebook and Bagels.Bae318 on Instagram (both free). I’m just a Jewish mother who wants her children to experience the love, respect, and partnership their father and I share.
Dating today is rough. It takes skill, patience, and sometimes a little prayer. People toss around phrases like “We just have different communication styles,” or “I’m taking time to work on myself.” But let’s be real: breaking up over text or disappearing into silence says more about someone’s character than anything else. That part I’ll never understand.
What I do understand is kindness. Directness. Romance. And I want that to make a comeback. Romance isn’t outdated; it’s intentional. Letting a man court you doesn’t make you weak or unequal. It means you’re allowing space for connection to grow. I believe that men need to court, and women need to acknowledge and appreciate romantic gestures. In Bagels & Bae, that’s the kind of advice I’m giving — because singles are drowning in groups that lead nowhere. I’m trying to give our members something better.
TAMMY SALIS is the cofounder of Bagels & Bae.
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Tammy, great article! Love B&B and I know that you are connecting people everywhere and bringing love into this world. Xoxo h
I commend you on finding your home and mission with your people.
Aish' Discovery was the place I found my first wife, strangest yet most appropriate courtship in my 59 years, we hung out casually for nearly 9 months before she asked to kiss me, traveled extensively knew each other's irritating and wonderful aspects I proposed in Venice in the Jewish ghetto, after expensive travels everywhere, had four kids, happily divorced. she remarried to a Chabadnik that's a Russian immigrant like her that they met through a referral online... Maybe you?
My older daughters beautiful bright and bold are 20 and 22 and stay out of the dating fold but stay frum in their own way completely modest but boldly leading their own way making the world fit their expectations and finding awesome company along the way.
The intersections that create marriages are plentiful, wholesome and satisfying for those who are fortunate but rare.
I mentioned to a friend I'd happily marry and sire another generation if I could find a bride, but find most folks are broken or insular inside.
I'm unsurprised at toxic reactions to your positivity on the Fbook but if you make a difference in lives positively you've accomplished what you set out to so commendations!