How Prayer Delivers Tangible Benefits — Even Before "Amen"
"Take a moment, every day, to be awed, overwhelmed and delighted by life."
By Allison Task
Last week, I met with my rabbi for a "pastoral conversation." I didn't really know what a pastoral conversation was, but she invited me to have one.
She must have heard through the grapevine that I've gone through some stuff over the last few years. A partial list includes:
Supporting my husband through stage 4 cancer (he's one year in remission).
Managing three small kids (kindergarten, first and first graders) throughout the Covid homeschool marathon.
Managing our family through my husband’s five layoffs.
Downsizing our home (see above).
Struggling with infertility for years, putting my body through the hormonal rigors of IVF.
Giving birth to three children in two years (twins, for those who like math).
Becoming a stepmom to a child whose mother was highly disengaged and saw her once a week despite living in the same town.
Writing large alimony checks to the aforementioned biomom for about five years.
Complications with spinal surgery that led to a cerebrospinal fluid leak.
So it's been a minute. And our new rabbi invited me for a pastoral conversation.
As I started talking, then kept talking, and the list grew and grew (I’d forgotten so much of it), she said "this isn't going to be an off-the-shelf, do-these-two-prayers-and-call-me-in-the-morning solution. This is a lot. This is a fucking lot."
(I just love that she cursed. That was possibly my favorite moment of our conversation.)
So I wasn’t sure where this pastoral chat was headed. Pastoral doesn’t sound very Jewish; more so makes me think of a pastor. Or a pasture. Of cows. Of pastoral landscapes. Of rolling hills and Vermont. And she was cursing now, in our pastoral chat. Which meant my situation must be as bad as it felt. Even she was taken back by the magnitude of all the things.
What would come of this? More work? More prayers? More shul? She actually sent me a Buddhist meditation – the “metta meditation” – one of my favorites. The meditation focuses on lovingkindness. Lovingkindness also has a Hebrew translation: “chesed.” One of my favorite concepts.
From her suggestions, it seemed like she knew me. Could see my values. Could see that I needed compassion and loving kindness toward myself now.
And she wasn’t requiring that I look toward Jewish prayer, she just wanted to help me access some form of prayer. She suggested forest bathing as well (I was in the woods at the time) and talking out loud to God, whatever that may be for me, while in the forest.
She was giving me frameworks and letting me choose. And then she shared a final framework for prayer. This was my second favorite moment of our conversation. The rabbi said:
"All prayer falls into one of three categories” (sounded like the start of a joke… “a rabbi, a pastor and a monk walk into a bar…”)
The first is "please.”
With this, I think of athletes kneeling and asking G-d to smile on their quarterback. It's always struck me as odd and self-serving. But then I remembered the one time I did this – I was seven miles into Yosemite, and the campground was crawling with bears. They were everywhere. And I had mistakenly gone to sleep with a Hershey bar in my pocket. I could see the bear’s outline and hear him walking around my very thin REI on-sale tent. He was big, and I was pretty sure that he could smell both my chocolate and my fear. I prayed. I had never prayed before but you can bet in that moment I prayed “please, please, let me live." I knew the prayer of please.
"The second category of prayer is the recognition of something extraordinary."
I know this as “Awe.” I love this one. I'm a student of Dacher Keltner and a big fan of Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which Professor Keltner runs. He also just wrote a book called Awe on this very topic. In my coaching practice, I often prescribe that clients create an intentional moment of awe each day. It means taking the moment to be awed, overwhelmed and delighted by life, by the world, by beauty and grace. This is a fun one, and I love that it is considered praying. I guess that's why people yell: "Oh my G-d!" during sex. There's your awe, right there.
"And the third category of prayer is thank you."
Of course. This is my response to someone handing me an ice cream cone, or doing the dishes. This is the heart of so many prayers, including my favorite Jewish prayer, the “Shehecheyanu.” We thank G-d for bringing us to this moment, and bringing this moment to us.
My rabbi’s simple framework for prayer seemed so simple, so straightforward, so non-denominational and so doable. I don't think of myself as doctrinally religious, or terribly observant, but as it turns out – I was praying all day, every day. And it made me feel good.
These moments of stopping and appreciating, noting the good grace you've been given, the support and help of others, and asking for that support when you don't want a bear to eat you – this is the center of prayer.
“Spirituality” can mean many different things to different people. The same goes for “higher power.” But anyone can receive meaningful benefits through the simple act of prayer. Faith doesn’t have to be complicated.
Allison Task is a Life & Career Coach and the bestselling Author of Personal (R)evolution.
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